Hit the Panic Button
We spin up a private room, snapshot the situation, and map impact zones (work, friends, sponsors, platform rules).
“Insurance” for when your posts blow up in your face.
Retard Insurance is a white label premium and bespoke service that acts like a reputation crash mat: instant triage, mediation, and recovery playbooks when a spicy post turns into a five-alarm PR fire. We can’t undo the internet, but we can keep it from bankrupting your sanity, friendships, or brand.
Disclaimer: This is satire with real tools. Not legal advice. Not an insurer.
Make it right without making it worse
Concise outreach templates, “own-it” statements, mediation emails, and options for humor-forward de-escalation.
From crater to comeback
Timeline cleanups, pinned clarifications, archive strategy, and a phased content plan to regain trust.
Apology & Context Generator
Generate context-aware statements that avoid non-apologies, legal sinkholes, and gasoline words.
Platform-aware Responses
Twitter/X ≠ TikTok ≠ Discord. We tune tone, length, and timing per venue and per audience ring.
Mediators on Call
We’ll interface with affected parties to cool things down, seek goodwill, and agree next steps.
Starter
$0
- • “Oh no” checklist
- • 1-click panic room
- • Basic apology generator
Creator
$19/mo
- • DM & email scripts
- • Platform-specific playbooks
- • Weekly reputation scan
Pro
$99/mo
- • Human mediator hours
- • Custom crisis comms
- • Sponsor/school/work outreach
Get early access
Drop your email. We’ll invite you when the panic button goes live.
🔥 Panic Button
In a live fire? Email support@retardinsurance.com with the link & a 2-sentence summary. We’ll set up a private room and respond ASAP.
Email Triage See plansParody vibe, real help. Not insurance. Not a law firm. Use judgement; be kind.